Back in the Saddle (very very figuratively) PART II

As I mentioned in Back in the Saddle PART I, thanks to my injured pinky toe…yes, pinky toe, I am finally able to defend against Mr. Lopez’s despicable demonstrations. But first, let me address how I got into my present state, for some of you have enquired as to how I actually sustained my injury. So here is a fairly detailed depiction of the event and the circumstances surrounding it. Brace yourself, it's a long one.

I know it's not in 3D but I figured I'd save you $10...You're welcome.

A few days back I had the pleasure of going for a hike in woods in the mountainous Finger Lakes region with two friends of mine. It was a glorious day out: 80 degrees, sunny, bright blue skies, yet not to humid. Perfect for communing with nature. However! Little did I know of the peril that awaited my left pinky toe.

The goal of the day was to work up a good sweat from hiking, then head to the beach that was across the street from the entrance of the trails to cool off and eat yummy delicious food (which by the way beach adventures are my favorite of pastimes so I was completely stoked). My friends and I had been hiking along the more mountainous trails when we decided to follow a trail that follows a creek for about half a mile to a waterfall.

This kind of creek but the water was lower.

The trail was beautiful, and mildly difficult to travel. Often times we had to switch the banks of the creek in order to find the easiest route, and there were plenty of rocks, fallen trees, and other standard nature blockades that required careful thought to traverse safely. Granted the moment we hit the trail I reverted to my inner child, which meant that I regarded this trail with a vast amount of curiosity and naught but a soupcon of caution. In other words I was passing through this trail with more instinct than thought. Like a cat. A WILD cat. Yeah.

I totally animorphed.

When we finally reached the waterfall my sense of adventure was in full form. It was a beautiful calm and cascading waterfall set in shale.

like this but more narrow. but it had all these ledges.

The water fell and collected into a pool, and the surrounding trees that had grown to cover the trail separated enough to let the sun’s rays make the water glisten. It was nothing short of amazing.

My friends and I quickly shed our shoes and socks and sallied forth through the glistening pool, enjoying the cool, quiet waters, and the warmth of the sun, not to mention ignoring the couple sitting in the water who clearly wanted to be alone.

Like this but human.

Soon I noticed that once upon a time someone had tied a rope to a tree towards the top of the falls so that one could climb to the first sturdy ledge of the waterfall. Without hesitation, I grabbed the rope, tested the weight, and began climbing.

I scaled the side of the waterfall and soon I stood on a ledge about 15 ft above the ground. I called down to my friends and soon they followed. But as they climbed, I thought, “I bet I can go higher.” I looked around and of course I found a solid path, and so I scaled higher, rooting my fingers and toes into the rock to steady myself. And I made it to the next cliff.

Here the cliff was large enough to walk across. I called to my friends and they followed me. We continued in our revels, taking lots of pictures with goofy stances. But it still wasn’t enough.

I looked up at the last most protruding cliff and thought, “Surely, I can go higher.” So I started like before, rooting my fingers and toes into the crevices in the rock, and scaling higher and higher. And I made it to the very top of the waterfall.

I now stood at least 40ft in the air at the highest most point in the middle of the quietly cascading waterfall. I felt a rush! A surge of wonder, accomplishment, and unity with nature.  

All I needed was a bow staff.

I looked around and saw that the creek here was much wider, more like a streambed, and continued around the bend. Of course I was intrigued by this, and wanted to continue.

I called to my friends and told them what I saw, and surely they began to follow my lead, carefully scaling upward to meet me. I explored around the bend and jumped up to a fallen tree that hung over the river. I followed it over to a large rock where I sat and watched as the water flowed past me from around yet another bend.

At first I thought, “this is it” and I heard my friends talk about climbing back down but then I thought “No, there HAS to be more,” and I considered my knowledge of natural geography (I am a Bachelor of Science afterall).  And so I set off further around the next bend. As I rounded the corner I saw it, a second more beautiful water fall.

I turned and ran to get my friends. Then I rushed back, excited over my discovery. I called after them to hurry, then turned to run towards the waterfall, but when I took one step my foot slipped and I stubbed my toe. When I looked down my face dropped.

Blood.

Lots of blood. I pulled my foot out of the fresh water to inspect the wound. It was bad. Amongst all the red I could see hard white. The smooth shale rock of the streambed had cut my pinky toe at the base of the nail down to the bone. The top part looked as though it was ready to fall off. But my very first thought was “Damnit! Now I can’t go to the beach!”

...for me... :'(

Fortunately the shirt I was wearing had a long cloth tie to it. A fashion statement. I quickly untied it, pulled it from my shirt, and proceeded to make a tourniquet. I put my toe back in its place and wrapped it up, starting at the wound and tying tightly at the base of the toe, then crisscrossing around my foot and up past my ankle.  

It was already bleeding through the make-shift bandage, and a small pool of bright red was collecting until the waters came and washed it away. As I was tying, my friends caught up to me and, confused, they asked me what had happened. I responded in a calm, matter-of-fact tone of voice,

“I have to go to the hospital. I cut my toe down to the bone. It’s falling off and I’m already bleeding profusely. I need stitches.”

They looked at me even more confused. I said, “Don’t worry I’m just going to go to the hospital.”

Then I showed them the second awesome waterfall, took a picture, metaphorically hiked up my pants, and took off for the hospital... which meant going back the way I came...

I climbed down the 40ft waterfall and waded to a creek to get to my shoes. I carefully put them on and turned in time to talk my friends down the waterfall who were struggling to find a safe route. Once they were safely down I took off down the rough trail as quickly as I could. Traveling over the rocks and fallen branches and across the creek, while trying to keep as much weight off of my injured as possible.

Half a mile later I made it back to the entrance and walked up to the park’s info desk. By this point I had bled through my sneaker and was feeling dizzy either from the heat, loss of blood, bodily shock, dehydration, rush of adrenaline, partial panic, or one extra combo of all of these, hold the onions.

As calmly as I could I explained to the teenage girls sitting in the booth that, “This is going to sound terrible but where is the nearest hospital? I’ve cut my toe down to the bone. I’m bleeding profusely, and I need stitches. Can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”

Wide-eyed, the young girl explained to me that it was just down the country road and to the left. "Great!" I thought, and I thanked them.

I was going to drive myself but then I realized that my keys were in my bag, which was locked safely in my friend’s car. Safely from my grasp.

Now I finally started to lose my cool. None of us had our phones. They were locked in the car. My friends were nowhere in sight, and I was standing in the middle of a hot parking lot bleeding through my shoes. I was floundering.

I stood there waiting for about 10 minutes and eventually my friends emerged from the trail. I called to them, explaining that my keys were locked in the car, and they hurried over. I told them where the hospital was and my one friend opened the car door for me. We hopped in and my friend rushed me to hospital.

About 2 hours, 2 painful shots of novacaine, 2 stitches, x-rays, and plenty of hilarious hospital shenanigans (including shameless flirtation with a beautiful x-ray nurse) later, time found me waiting patiently for some medical words of wisdom from the Doctor. I was laying comfortably in my hospital bed after some charitable pampering from my beautiful nurse ;), my friend and I were musing about how crazy it was that I just tied up my sliced up toe, climbed down a waterfall and trekked half a mile through a rough trail. I just inhaled deeply and said,

“Yeah, I just Ramboed that shit.”

I then closed my eyes and laid my head down to rest.

So thats basically how it all happened. I left out details about the hospital shenanigans, and about how I called my mom and said, "I'm bleeding profusely," when she asked me "What's up?" But I'd like to take a moment to comment on the dramatic irony that is my life: I scaled a fucking waterfall barefoot and not once did I slip and fall or come close to plummeting to my death, but I happen to turn to quickly in a creek and take one step, and I nearly lose my toe.

Anywho, for those of you who stayed tuned for the whole thing, you rock! And to you, Mr. Lopez, I may be physically handicapped at the moment, but I am as intellectually savvy as ever before. Afterall, I am a scientist.

I'm comin' for YOU, Mr. Lopez.

and I'm brandishing my Bachelor of Science Degree.

What.

Back in the saddle (figuratively, very figuratively) PART I

Hello all!

So a lot of time has passed since I last defended our sanity against Mr.Lopez’s online onslaught of odious audacities, and I see that in my absence Mr. Lopez has run amuck!... which isn’t all that surprising given his chaotic nature (of which I shall address in a later blog). For this, ladies and gentlemen, I deeply apologize for my regrettable absence.

peese fowgive mee!

 

Turns out I was gone for such a long time that I forgot my username and password. As a result I’ve discovered that someone else has a blogspot titled GRACENOTES, which is not so surprising seeing as if you consider the logic of the multitude of persons inhabiting this planet true independent individuality is highly improbable.

I'm an individual. Just like everyone else.

How did I discover this Other-GRACENOTES you ask? Well, in an attempt to figure out how to log onto my account, I kinda, sorta, may have accidentally, almost hacked Other-GRACENOTES account. Heh. (shh. Don’t tell them.) Fortunately I did not succeed and so I am not a criminal!... though Other-GRACENOTES may be receiving some puzzling emails. However, rest assured internet users! Google is secure!

YEAAAH.

This GRACENOTES (http://gracenotes.blogspot.com/), whoever they may be, has dedicated their blogspot to “rants, raves, and ramblings on whatever happens to strike me at the moment”. I was intrigued momentarily to see what this fellow GRACENOTE was about, so I read two of the last three blogs posted, which were in 2001 (10 YEARS AGO!).

WOAH! Like totally old! Like TOTALLY.

TANGENT. OK,I don't care what Freud says, Old People are cool.

word.

Anyway, back to the current quandary, the matter of the mysterious Other-GRACENOTE.

The first blog post I read of the Other-GRACENOTE was short and sweet:

“It's raining. Again.”

“Hm.” I thought.

Of course, being the insatiable person I am, that wasn’t enough for me, and so I scrolled down a bit to this one that started “I had a dream…” I thought, “oh! Dreams are fun! and give good insight into who a person is! Oh, fellow GRACENOTE, I shall finally understand thee!”

And so I read:

“i had a dream, and in the dream there was me and a man, and he stood before me and said 'tell me how you feel.' so i ripped my heart from my chest and i kneeled down and offered it to him in two outstretched hands. and he smiled and said 'ok' and brushed past me, knocking my heart to the ground and leaving my hands bloody. and i cried and cried to wash my hands of the blood, but the only thing it did was spread the blood all around me til i was kneeling in a great pool of it.and when i woke up, my face was wet with tears.”

...

This guy shall suffice for an accurate representation of my facial expression at this moment.

And so I thought, “well, that’s enough understanding for today. Other-GRACENOTE, it was…nice to…meet…you… ”

moaw?

But just to be charitable! And to give our inner artistic geniuses a breath of life! Let us each take a moment of silence to reread Other-GRACENOTE’S dream and visualize an interpretive dance to accompany it. Ok! Ready! 1, 2, 3, GO!

"i had a dream, and in the dream there was me and a man, and he stood before me and said 'tell me how you feel.' so i ripped my heart from my chest and i kneeled down and offered it to him in two outstretched hands. and he smiled and said 'ok' and brushed past me, knocking my heart to the ground and leaving my hands bloody. and i cried and cried to wash my hands of the blood, but the only thing it did was spread the blood all around me til i was kneeling in a great pool of it.and when i woke up, my face was wet with tears."

MY heart will go on.

 

 

Anywho, due to a recent sustained injury leaving me mildly incapacitated, I finally have time to put some order to the disorder that Mr. Lopez has caused.

I'm coming for YOU, Mr. Lopez.

 In regards to my injury, there is no cause for worry. However, the story is fairly entertaining and I shall blog about it in PART II.

In the meantime, broaden your artistic scope with this:

YOU can't escape their love.

Response to "Not: A Role Model"

(In order to fully appreciate the material posted below please refer to the following blog post before you continue: http://thelopezisnot.blogspot.com/2011/03/role-model.html )

We come to knowledge through imitation- for as Plato tells us, mimcry is our highest pleasure. It is how we learn to walk, talk, ride a bicycle, paint a masterpiece, theorize Quantum Mechanics, and all sorts of things. But most importantly, mimcry is how we learn social behavior, and how to intereact with the world around us. Children, being the most innocent and impressionable members of society, are cause for parents to worry. What kind of people will their children become? We are all called to be role models of good social behavior and contribution for others, especially children, and to teaches them to live up to a higher standard of moral life and social wellness. It is this nature of Role Model that Mr. Lopez calls into question.

Mr. Tiger is an excellent Role Model, but is Mr. Lopez?

Mr. Lopez's second blog calls to question the sort of example he sets for others, particularly youthful persons. Impressionable children...

To Mr. Lopez's "Things I Am Not: A Role Model"...

Baby!

TRUE FACT.

Scared Baby!

Should the day come where I find myself blessed with wee ones (...children. not leprechauns.) I will be sure that they are fully equipped to face Mr. Lopez without potential harm. Ladies and Gentlemen, I highly suggest you do the same.

Mr. Lopez, we tell our parents all about you, they just don’t believe us.

Short post, yes, but here’s something awesome that’ll make up for the time you wanted to waste by reading this.

They don't make TV like they used to.



Response to "Not: Bear"

Ladies and Gentleman,

As you may already know my dear friend, Mr. Lopez, has been undergoing a certain level of self analysis as of late.  The blog "Things I Am Not" is a result of this self analysis. Excited and proud am I of Mr. Lopez's endeavors for self-actualization. Wishing to show my full support, I have kept up with Mr. Lopez's blog. But after reading each post I have often found myself puzzled and pondering. It is here that I have finally  discovered how best I can aid Mr. Lopez as he racks his brain about the meaning of his own existence. And so, in order to help him to grow as an individual I have decided that it would be highly beneficial to Mr. Lopez to humble question him in everything he posts. For what better way can we grow in knowledge than through conflict and refinement as one who smoothes away the rough rocky shell to reveal a priceless jewel beyond compare? But before we embark let me first note that whatever Mr. Lopez is not, one thing for certain he is my friend. And so, Mr. Lopez, for your own good and the ease of mankind, more specifically your friends, it is of the utmost necessity that I assess your arguments to the best of my abilities.

All in the name of FRIENDSHIP! 

To Mr. Lopez’s “Things I am Not: A Bear”:

Please review the following post: http://thelopezisnot.blogspot.com/2011/03/bear.html

Mr. Lopez has quite a way with words that leaves the reader with many mixed emotions. Whatever those emotions are, whether it be rage, hysteria, apathy, joy, they seem to appear in the form of laughter. Ladies and gentleman, though the blog be 'inspiring' we must not be bamboozled by his statements and pictures no matter how clever and funny they are, at least not until we have sound reason to. For if anything, this blog is a rally to reason and a higher level of thought. We can laugh, yes, but not with him. Next to him.

:D

And so we begin:

He brings up the necessity of nomenclature and classification with scientific graphs (we know he’s pulling out the stops when Mr. Lopez relies on science). But what is actually being said here? We can break down the beginning of his argument in this way:

I am not a Bear. I am not genetically related to Bears because I am a human being. Bears and humans have different Order distinctions in their nomenclature. Therefore I am not a bear.

To further the argument, Mr. Lopez continues by saying that Bears are of the Pinneped family, which Seals belong to. His argument follows that:

Further, I am not a Bear because Bears are related to Seals. I have threatened to club many a Seal. Because of this I am not nor cannot be related to Seals. Therefore, I am not a Bear.

Just for “FUNsies” we shall dwell a bit on what I’ll call the Pinneped Argument (some would call the Seal Clubbing argument… but I will not for obvious reasons). Mr. Lopez would like to distinguish himself from Bears further by asserting that because he has threatened to club many Seals he cannot be a Seal, or related to Seals, such as Bears are. But I ask you this important question, ladies, gentleman, and Mr. Lopez, on what grounds does threatening to club, or cause harm to some ‘being’ make you ‘not that being’?  Do Seals attack each other? I’m sure. Do Bears attack each other? Also certain. Do Humans attack each other? Of course (If you don’t already know the answer to this question, first, you ignit, second, please just Google something that’ll actually help you grow as a person and contribute to society.)

Now here’s the million dollar correlation: Do Bears attack Seals?

For this we shall take a look at the natural order of things-- nature’s way of keeping things in check. Seals though cute and cuddly, (face it we all fell in love with Andre) can be little vicious killing machines. If you have watched Animal Planet, you would know. The movie Happy Feet, is also a sufficient method of understanding how terrifying Seals can be. But, ladies and gentlemen, what keeps these vicious monsters in check? Polar Bears.

 word.

Ask any Polar Bear what they’ve had for breakfast (if they don’t eat you and you can speak polar bear, for being eaten or suffering from miscommunication are at risk when speaking to these arctic giants) you will learn that it was or should’ve been a daily dose of Seal, his Pinneped brethren, chalked full of vitamins to keep a growing polar bear happy and healthy.

Get your daily dose of Vitamin D!

Now out of a desire to be a charitable logician (for that’s what is necessary to explore ideas and grow closer to the truth) I grant that Mr. Lopez did specifically use the word “club” which refers to the manner in which one would inflict harm upon another, in this case, Mr. Lopez to Seal. Now unless “club” is the key to the concept of any form of bludgeoning, this is probably the only distinction between Mr. Lopez, and the rest of the Pinneped family.  But admittedly, I, not being a scientist, am not the one to say. To my knowledge, Mr. Polar Bear doesn't use a club because he simply doesn’t need to. But that does not mean he is incapable of using a club. I figure if Mr. Polar Bear can open a Coke bottle and make a living off of a huge commercial enterprise, then chances are Mr. Polar Bear can swing a good club.

Always Coca-Cola. 

But now that we got that out of our system I wish to take us back to the very first proof of Mr. Lopez’s argument for his “Not Bear-ness”. As before, it can be simply broken down in this way:

I am not a Bear. I am not genetically related to Bears because I am a Human Being. Bears and Humans have different Order distinctions in their respective nomenclatures. Therefore I am not a Bear.

Broken down further to a more simpler form it goes like this.

I am not a Bear because I am a Human. Humans are not Bears. Therefore I am not a Bear.

See the problem yet? Well let’s just break it down even further to it's simplest form, shall we?

I am not a bear because I am not a bear.

If you are not catching the fundamental issue of this argument, Mr. Lopez is asserting the conclusion in his premises for said conclusion. In other words Mr. Lopez asserts that he is not a Bear as basis for the proof that he is “not a Bear”. Unfortunately, this means that the logic of this argument is circular and therefore invalid. Yes, invalid.

Give him a suit and he could run for President.

 Further, Mr. Lopez provides no empirical evidence that allows us any certitude that he is in fact a Human Being. This leaves a tremendous gap in the very first premise of his entire work. Thus the entirety of the argument, though hilariously entertaining, is illogical and unsound.

It is through the testing and refining of ideas that we come to truth. Mr. Lopez, on behalf of the community, I am challenging your argument because I am just as befuddled by these bear claims as you are. I, too, would like some certainty as to what you are, whether it be Bear, Baby Oxen, a bunch of Squirrels in an Adam suit, or a Figment of my Imagination.

A bear, or not a bear: That is a question.

And so Mr. Lopez, I humbly beseech you on behalf of all of us, grant us absolute certainty that you are in fact a Human Being, or at the very least that your Adam-ness is far removed from Bear-ness, and then we can truly begin to uncover the mysterious nature of what you are.

No worries, Mr. Lopez. We all know you don’t have to be human to run for President,

just American.